I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
