Ambien. No doubt about it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
