The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
