The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize