I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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