remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
