you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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