So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
