So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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