tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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