There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize