I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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