you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize