i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
