What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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