five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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