Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
