I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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