wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
