he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
