My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
