He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
