What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
