I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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