I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize