I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
