I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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