woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
