____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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