Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
