I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
