I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
