I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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