why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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