I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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