OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
