You smell like a Billy Joel song
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize