you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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