Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
