It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
