so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
