i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
