the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
