You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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