I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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