i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
