that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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