Best friends brother. Beat that.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
