i just wanna soil my oats bro
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
