im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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