He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
