I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
