everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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