I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
