You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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