So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have aggressive nipples.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
