It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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