Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
