I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
