My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
