i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
