I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
