Porn is love you can see.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
