yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
