i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
