I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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