No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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