why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize