Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Floor bacon is actually really good
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
