look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
