thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
