We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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