If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There r osticjed everywhere
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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