Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
